The Deep Space Nine Sitcom: Christmas
by Trekdisco
Summary: The Niners perform their version of Cinderella with disastrous consequences. Seriously silly! Mid season 7.
1. Prologue

The Deep Space Nine Sitcom: Christmas

The Niners perform their version of Cinderella with disastrous consequences. Seriously silly!

Trek belongs to Paramount and does not belong to me. No offence intended toward any of the characters. I don't own Cinderella, Disco Inferno, Old Macdonald, Teletubbies, the Goodies, the Funky Gibbon or anything, just this story and the other ones I wrote.

For the Captain and Doctor of the ship Explorer, on which I am a Lieutenant. Also for a friend who loved my Halloween story.

The sequel to my Halloween special. Set season 7.

Prologue

It was an idea suggested by some teachers who came to DS9 for the senior officers to put on a panto for a school coming to visit DS9 soon. Sisko wasn't sure about it at first but he was persuaded quickly. They decided to rehearse in ops during shifts and before long everyone was ready. Except then…

Lights went off! Sparkles exploded! Fountains appeared! Colours danced across the room! It was fantastic except it wasn't part of the show. Then, in the middle of it, stood Jadzia Dax. "That's not right!" said Ezri, "She died. I'm Dax now." "Thought you might need her," said a voice. "Who's there?" asked Sisko.

"I'm the author," said the voice, "I'm writing this story and I control all of your actions. I can make you say 'Blueberries' if I want to." "Blueberries," said Ben, "Where did you come from?" "The real world," said the author, "I'm responsible for many of the maddest events ever to occur on this station. Did you really think a food fight could break out HERE? I want Jadzia in this story and so I put her in. Sorry I had to rush through the plot so fast, readers, but I want to get to the good bit. Oh, and it was my idea to make you all put on a play. Wait 'til you see who I've casted you as! Comedy, here I come!" And with that, it left.

Jadzia stood there, surprised. "The last thing I can remember was dying," she spoke, turning to Ezri, "Are you my new host? Really I'd have thought they'd have chosen someone more…cool. Oh Worf! I've missed you so much. You been good while I was gone? Yes, I thought so. Wait a minute, do I still have my symbiont in me?"

There was only one thing they could do; let her stay and give her a role in the show. Little did she know was what was gonna happen…


	2. The stage is set

Key: L = Laughter T = Tiny S = Small N = Normal B = Big H = Huge e.g. TL = Tiny Laughter AW = People going "Aw!" BOO = People booing WOO = People sounding like they're scared CH = Cheers CL = Clapping. WA = Wah wah wah wah wurh G = Gasps D = Den den DEN DR = Dream sound U = "Urgh!" SC = Screams

1. The stage is set, the audience is here, let the panto begin!

(Curtains arise. Ezri is sweeping a kitchen floor, dancing as she does so. She is wearing a filthy, ragged version of the DS9 uniform with short sleeves and a skirt plus a pair of small black shoes. Her face is dirty and her hair messy. She is humming a little tune. AW Jake comes in dressed in his own clothes.)

Jake: "Hey Cinders!" CH

Ezri (sadly): "Hi Jake."

Jake: "Hey, did you hear about the prince's ball? Every girl in the kingdom's invited."

Ezri: "Yes; I can't go. My stepfather's asked me to clean the entire house while he takes his daughters out there."

Jake: "I doubt he'll have much luck with them. They're so ugly they could scare a Klingon!" TL

Ezri: "I'm sorry but he insisted I stayed behind and clean out their smelly rooms."

Jake: "What? You'd need a gas mask to go inside there!" SL

Ezri: "I know but he'll never let me leave the house. You know how strict he is."

(She exits scene leaving a cloud of gloom behind her. AW Jake turns to audience.)

Jake: "What can I do to cheer her up?"

(He exits. Scene changes to lounge where Ezri is sat on the sofa. Jake walks in.)

Jake: "Cinders, you can't give up. This is your chance to escape your father and live a nice life. Look, the party's tonight. You can't miss it!"

Ezri: "I'm sorry Jake. He won't budge."

( Suddenly green lights come on and baddy music begins. Dukat steps into room. It was Jadzia's idea to grab him from Cardassia and he's still in uniform. BOO)

Ezri: "Hello father."

Dukat: "Cinderella, there you are. Why aren't you washing the stairs?"

Ezri: "I'll get to it."

Jake: "Why isn't she allowed to go to the ball?" CH

Dukat: "Hasn't she told you? She has chores."

Jake: "That's not fair! She has rights."

Dukat: "Stop it Sisko; you know that I can lower your pay if I want to. Now, go and get lunch ready for my two beautiful daughters." BOO

Jake (groaning): "All right."

(He trudges off. Dukat exits. Voices come from the wings.)

Quark: "I can't go on stage like this, what if the grand Nagus saw me?"

Jadzia: "Don't worry, you'll be fine. I'm sure you can get profit out of this somehow."

Quark: "Profit? Well all right then!"

(He jumps on wearing a big pink sparkly tutu, ballet slippers and lots of make-up. HL)

Quark (in silly girly voice):"Hello boys and girls. HL I'm Cinderella's beautiful stepsister Anastasia. And this is my sister Augustina-" (Pause.)

Jadzia: "_Worf_!"

Worf: "I am not wearing this."

Jadzia: "Come on Worf, everyone will love you."

Worf: "They might but the Klingon high council will not. I may lose my honour." NL

Jadzia: "They'll never know. I'll go on with you if that makes you feel better."

(They step on. Worf is wearing a purple version of Quark's outfit with his hair in glittery ringlets. He has on a pretty hairband and necklace. HL Jadzia is wearing a white dressing gown and has her hair in curlers.)

Jadzia: "We chose this role for you especially. You'll be great!" NL

Worf: "I do not believe dressing up like Deanna is at all great." BL

Jadzia: "It's not type-casting, it'll be fun. You'll be fine." (Liar!)

(Worf looks sceptical. Jadzia exits.)

Worf (sarcastically): "Hello children, I am Augustina and I am also Cinderella's beautiful sister." BL

Quark: "Our lovely father says we can go to the ball and leave our ugly sister at home. Serves her right for, err, being born!" (He laughs.)

Worf (crossly): "I'm sure the prince will marry me!"

Quark: "No, he'll marry me." (Strikes a pose. BL)

Worf: "He'll marry us both."

Quark: "How could he resist us?"

(He exits laughing. Worf follows, unamused. BOO Scene changes to outside the house. A shuttle leaves the stage and Ezri is left on the doorstep in tears. She goes inside the house. Scene changes to lounge where she plonks onto the couch. She cries. Then a glittery pink light comes on. Fairy music begins. Then, in a puff of pink smoke, two figures appear, facing backwards.)

Jadzia: "Hello Cinderella. We-Oops!" NL

(They turn round. It's Kira and Jadzia in fairy costumes. Jadzia is wearing a long dark blue gown with silver stars on. She is clutching a wand with a moon on it and has silver-outlined wings. She is wearing blue sparkly make-up, a silver tiara and has glittery ringlets. Kira is wearing a pink ball gown with a ribbon sash bearing a rose. She is holding a red wand with a heart on the end and has transparent ruby-edged wings. Her bob has been tied back and she's wearing a long curly extension. Her hair glitters and she has a tiara on it. Both of them look like they've driven through Claires. CH)

Kira (whispering): "I feel ridiculous." TL

Jadzia: "You look OK. It's Worf and Quark who should really worry." SL

Kira: "This hair feels awkward."

Jadzia: "At least you didn't have to walk around with it in curlers all day."

Kira: "It was too short to be put in curlers and, anyway, this skirt is too stiff."

Jadzia: "I think Garak did very well with mine."

Kira: "Let's just get this over and done with."

Jadzia: "How 'bout we go to the holodeck afterwards? Go scuba diving?"

Kira: "Err, sounds great. OK, let's go."

Jadzia: "We're here to make all your wishes come true. You want to go to the ball and meet the handsome prince?"

Ezri: "That's right."

Kira: "In a wave of our wand you'll be there. All you need to get is a pumpkin, a mouse and a marrow."

Ezri (confused): "OK then…"

(She goes offstage for a minute. Meanwhile Kira and Jadzia talk.)

Kira: "The script didn't mention the magic word. What shall we use?"

Jadzia: "Abracadabra? Alacasam? Hocus-pocus? Hey presto? All those are magic words."

Kira: "No, they're not right."

Jadzia: "The fairy often says bippity boppity boo."

Kira: "_What_! I'm not saying that!"

Jadzia: "How 'bout something local? Starfleet?"

Kira: "No, that's not right."

Jadzia: "I know! Deep Space 9!"

Kira: "That's a good idea!"

(Ezri returns.)

Ezri: "I got the pumpkin, mouse and marrow as you asked. What are you gonna do with them?"

Jadzia: "They are gonna take you to the ball. Can you hand me the mouse?"

(Ezri does so. The fairies wave their wands.)

Fairies: "Deep Space 9!"

(In a puff of smoke the mouse turns into a handsome Starfleet pilot. Ezri is surprised.)

Ezri: "Did you really just…?"

Kira: "Well, we are fairies. Please could you give me the pumpkin?"

(Ezri proceeds. After saying "Deep space 9" the pumpkin turns into red goo and then a golden shuttle. Ezri is astounded.)

Ezri: "How did you do that?"

Jadzia: "Magic. But this ship won't be able to fly. Please give me the marrow."

(Another spell is cast and in a puff of smoke a warp core is onstage. Ezri gasps.)

Kira: "And of course you can't go to the ball without a gown. It'll be a tricky spell to complete so we'll do it while you're on the journey."

Ezri: "Oh thank you so much! But how will the house be cleaned?"

Jadzia: "We'll take care of that." (Whispering) "Did you bring the gas masks, Nerys?" NL

Kira: "Just remember: be back before midnight, our spell wears off by then. Everything will turn back into what it was before."

Ezri: "I will! I will! Oh thank you!"

(She climbs into shuttle followed by pilot. The core is beamed inside. The ship takes off and the audience wave.)

Jadzia: "Well, I think our job's done here."

Kira: "Um, scuba diving _again_? After what happened last time-"

Jadzia: "We'll be OK. Holodeck 2, tomorrow 18:00."

Kira: "OK…"

(They vanish. Curtains come down. CL Interval begins.)


	3. Interval

2. Interval

Worf was sat in the make-up chair looking grumpy in his silly tutu. Jadzia came in, still in costume. "You were great!" she commented, "Everyone loved you." "I was not," Worf replied, "I look like a fool." "You don't look that bad," Jadzia lied, "Quark looked worse." "He looks like that naturally. He didn't have to wear curlers in his hair." "_I_ had to wear curlers." "You're female. It isn't as embarrassing." "Come on Worf. No Klingons saw you. Except Alexander…" "He has no honour. He didn't care about seeing me dressed as a clown." "You needn't tell anyone. It'll be our secret."

Worf looked cross even when Dax left. She stepped out and saw Quark tending a full bar, in his daft gear. She smiled at the scene.

Children were eating ice cream and collecting autographs from the crew. Odo had to stop a few small theft attempts and Ferengi were everywhere serving people. She returned backstage to where Ezri was having her make-up done. Was this girl really her next host? It was horrible to think. She looked a bit _girly_. Sure, Jadzia was the one with the long hair and pierced ears but Ezri didn't seem to be interested in anything Klingon. All she seemed to like was Julian. Jadzia had lied when she said they hadn't been type-casted (she didn't want to hurt Worf); you can already guess who Prince Charming was…


	4. Curtains up

3. Curtains up

(The stage is set to look like a ballroom. Music is playing. O'Brien is calling out names.)

O'Brien: "Mr and Mrs Paris, Mr and Mrs Picard, Mr and Mrs Riker, Mr and Mrs Tucker, two mysterious ladies."

(People come on as he does so. O'Brien finishes talking. He walks over to Bashir, who's asleep on a throne. SL They are both wearing Starfleet formal uniforms.)

O'Brien: "Your Majesty?"

Bashir (waking up): "What? What? What?" NL

O'Brien: "The party?"

Bashir: "Oh, Yes."

(He sits back down and, as O'Brien goes, dozes off again. BL Sisko and Kasidy arrive on a platform at the top of the stage. They sit on thrones.)

Kasidy: "Is he mingling with anyone?"

Sisko: "Just his friend Dandini. He hasn't spoken to anyone else yet."

Kasidy: "He doesn't look happy."

Sisko: "Maybe he'll find someone later."

(Dukat & ugly sisters enter. BOO Quark goes over to Bashir.)

Quark (in silly voice): "Hello Handsome. My name's Anastasia. Do you want to dance with me?" (Puckers lips.)

Bashir: "Err, no thanks. I'm a bit busy." NL

Quark: "But surely you can spare some time to spend with _me_?" NL

Bashir: "Um, I'm-"

Worf (dryly): "No, dance with me. I'm twice as beautiful." TL

Quark: "I found him first!"

Worf: "I want a go."

Quark: "He likes me more!"

Bashir: "Ladies! I think you're both lovely but as I said I'm busy. SL I'll come back to you later." (Zooms off.)

Quark: "I still say he liked me more." NL

(Focus on mysterious ladies. They are wearing long cloaks with hoods. Audience can see they are the fairies. CH)

Kira: "Has she arrived yet?"

Jadzia: "No. It's nearly 22:00. She should be here now."

Kira: "I hope our spells worked. After all they-"

Jadzia (pulling Kira out the way): "Quick! She's coming."

(Ezri enters. She is wearing a long-sleeved blue ball gown with glitter and sequins on. She is wearing a tiara and her hair has been curled and is sparkling. She has on a necklace bearing turquoise jewels. She looks around as she walks in. Bashir is in a trance when he notices her.)

Bashir: "You come here often?"

Ezri: "Um, no, I've never been to a ball before."

Bashir: "Your first one? You know how to dance?"

Ezri: "I've never learnt."

Bashir: "I can teach you."

Ezri: "Thank you."

(They start to dance gracefully whilst slow music plays. Suddenly a disco ball comes down, coloured lights flash and _Disco Inferno _plays. BL Everyone joins in. People disco dance and jump everywhere. Eventually song ends.)

Ezri: "That was fun!"

Bashir: "You've never danced before?"

Ezri: "Nobody's ever taught me. You know, you're very handsome."

Bashir: "Thank you. You're very pretty." AW

Ezri: "Thanks! Nobody's said that before."

Bashir: "Nobody taught you to dance and told you you're pretty? Who have you been living with?"

Ezri: "My stepfather and sisters. You met them earlier."

Bashir: "What? Those two? No wonder you haven't been treated nicely."

Ezri: "You're first person who's been kind to me since my mother died."

Bashir: "I'm happy to be of service."

(Suddenly clock chimes.)

Ezri: "Oh no! Goodbye!" (She starts to run off scene.)

Bashir: "How will I find you?"

(Ezri looks down and throws him her shoe. She rushes off. Bashir picks up the shoe.)

Bashir: "Come back!"

(Ezri is gone. Bashir studies shoe.)

Bashir: "Wait a minute. Dandini; I've got an idea!"

(Scene changes to Cinderella's house where the ugly sisters barge in. BOO)

Quark: "Where is that lazy girl? Has she cleaned the entire house?"

Dukat: "I'm sure she has. I gave her strict instructions to stay at home and clear up our messes."

Worf: "If she hasn't fainted, that is."

(Sisters laugh. Scene changes to show Bashir, O'Brien and Garak in the palace alongside a line of girls.)

O'Brien: "Miss Troi, from the Enterprise."

(Troi steps in. CH Smiling she points her foot at Bashir who slides the shoe on it.)

Bashir: "I'm sorry ma'am but it doesn't fit."

Troi: "That's all right. I'm engaged to Will!" NL

(She walks off. CH Bashir yawns. He wakes up when he sees the two ugly sisters enter. BOO Quark pushes his way to the seat. He sticks out a foot. Bashir puts the shoe on it.)

Quark: "Be careful of my dainty little toes." NL

Bashir: "WHAT? It fits!" (It does! G)

Quark: "I've already planned our wedding. First to Qo'nos, then to Ferenginar, then-"

Bashir: "This can't be right!"

O'Brien: "Hang on; her other foot's bigger."

Garak: "That is because it is _not _her foot."

(He pulls off Quark's false leg. NL G Quark runs off, embarrassed. Worf plonks himself onto the chair next. No matter how hard Bashir tries, there is no way Worf's foot is gonna end up in the shoe.)

Bashir: "Sorry Ma'am. It isn't your size."

(Worf sulks off. Bashir yawns.)

Bashir: "I'm going to get some rest." (He walks off.)

O'Brien: "We're all alone." (Lights dim.)

Garak: "Is it just me, Chief, or did the lights dim?" WOO

(Creepy chandelier comes down. Wind is heard.)

O'Brien: "I don't like this."

Garak: "Hmmmm. Reminds me of the time when me and Ziyal were trapped in the vacuum of space."

Ghostly Voice: "I remember…" WOO

O'Brien: "Garak, did you hear that?"

Garak (Taking no notice): "We had to rescue Kira, who was about a mile away. We could not get into our shuttle no matter how hard we pulled the door."

Ghostly Voice: "You said your helmet didn't help your strong sense of claustrophobia."

Garak: "No, it didn't. I get nervous wearing clothes! Which is odd since I'm a tailor." BL

O'Brien: "GARAK! I think I can hear a ghost."

Ghostly Voice: "It's me; Ziyal! Don't you remember?"

Garak: "What? What? What? Ziyal!"

(Kira/Dukat race onstage excitedly.)

Kira: "Ziyal!"

Dukat: "She's alive?"

(Ziyal floats down in a white dress, her hair in buns, glitter all over her. CH)

Ziyal: "The author wanted me in this story so here I am."

(Wind blows eerily. Ziyal clings onto Garak. WOO)

Ziyal: "I don't like it here."

O'Brien: "This wasn't in the script." NL

Kira: "Well, would anyone have expected Ziyal to appear?" SL

O'Brien: "Um…er…I know! Let's sing a song! Allamaraine!"

Kira (under her breath): "Now he chooses to follow the script." SL

(O'Brien sings 'Allamaraine' (the song the Chandra (the girl on the hopscotch) was singing in the episode 'Move along home') while the others stare at him. NL He finishes the song embarrassedly as Bashir returns. NL)

Bashir: "What was all that about ghosts-"

(He freezes when he sees Ziyal. He is about to say something when Jake and Ezri run in.)

Jake: "Quick! Try on the shoe, Cinders!"

(Everyone gets back into character. Bashir puts the shoe on Ezri. It fits. The good guys cheer. The bad guys gasp. Ugly sisters, Jadzia, Sisko, Kasidy, Odo (in his usual uniform) and Nog (in formal uniform) have entered. Royal music plays. Sisko steps forth.)

Sisko: "Finally Prince Julian has found a match! I hereby declare that he is engaged to Ezri Dax!"

(Everyone claps.)

Odo: "I'm the Royal chief of security and I will protect you from things like scheming Ferengi." (Quark pulls a cross face. NL)

Nog: "And I'm the Royal pilot. I'm a friend of Jake's."

(Jake puts his arm round Nog. The play is interrupted by Rom.)

Rom: "Brother! Brother! The Grand Nagus is here!"

Quark (out of character): "The Grand Nagus?" (Screams as he realises he's in a tutu. NL) "Hide me! Hide me!"

(Zek arrives, followed by Ishka, Leeta and Brunt (secretly…).)

Zek: "Quark! What a lovely outfit you're wearing." NL

Quark (unsure): "It is?" (Confidently) "I mean, it is." TL

Zek: "Of course it is, Quark! We could do with more of them on Ferenginar. Where did you get it?" NL

Quark: "Um, er, I replicated it." TL

Zek: "Give me the pattern! Quark, you've just begun a new age of fashion." NL

Quark: "Oh, er, wonderful." SL

Jadzia (Whispering to Quark): "Told you that you'd earn profit from your costume." BL

(Kai Winn appears. G)

Winn: "I demand an explanation! WHAT am I doing on this station? HOW did I get here? And what the heck _are you DOING?_" NL

Sisko: "Putting on a show." NL

Ezri (to Sisko): "I think the author wanted her here."

Odo: "Back on the script, everyone."

Garak: "Is that even possible?" NL

Ishka: "Quark, I knew you could do it."

Quark: "Um, yeah, I knew I could. _I knew I could do what?_" SL

Ishka: "Introduce a fashion for _women _on Ferenginar! Of course we have dresses and bodysuits but this will be a huge innovation on style. And you're the inventor of it!"

Quark: "Er, um, yes." NL

Ishka: "Zekky and I are going to move to Risa soon and that leaves the position of Grand Nagus to you Quark."

(Quark is overjoyed…then lands back on earth.)

Quark: "Wait a minute! That's not supposed to happen 'til the end of the series." BL

Leeta: "Oh Rom!"

Rom: "Er…Leeta, why do you always say that?"

Leeta: "I don't know! I just do! Oh Rom!" NL

(She hugs him. Brunt creeps behind everyone and clears his throat. He steps to the front.)

Brunt: "As a matter of fact, your great yuckiness NL, it was my idea to put a tutu on Quark so therefore I should get the credit." BOO

Leeta: "No, Garak designed his outfit. You didn't play any part in the designing of his dress." CH

Zek: "It doesn't look like your style, Brunt." SL

Brunt: "I wanted to try something new." BOO SL

Leeta: "He didn't design it."

Brunt: "Oh yes I did." TL

Leeta/Audience: "Oh no, you didn't!"

Brunt: "Oh yes I did."

Leeta/Audience: "Oh no, you didn't!"

Brunt: "Oh yes I did and if you don't believe me I'll-"

Quark: "Brunt didn't design my dress."

Leeta: "That settles it. Brunt's lying." CH

(Brunt sulks off and bumps into…his face. Or is it?)

Weyoun: "You look familiar." BL

Brunt: "Where I have I seen you before?" BL

(As Brunt goes offstage the Female Shapeshifter and Damar enter.)

Odo: "What are you doing here?"

Fem Sha: "Rescuing a kidnapped officer."

Dukat (stepping forth): "She means me."

Odo: "What? How did you send out a message? I've got security cameras in every nook and cranny; alarming systems in every crack; hailing channels so secure you can't even say 'Hi' without being recorded." NL

Dukat: "I didn't have to! They knew where I would be anyway." NL

Damar: "ARGH! A ghost!" (He dives behind Fem Sha.) BL

Dukat: "What?" (He spots Ziyal.) "Oh no, Damar, she's alive."

Damar: "S-s-she's a-a-alive?"

Ziyal: "Hello."

(Damar screams. BL)

Damar: "MUMMY! BL I wanna go home!"

(He runs off leaving the others stunned. HL Weyoun turns round to see a group of girls.)

Girls: "WEYOUN!"

(They hug the breath out of him. BL More girls appear and fight to do the same. Weyoun can't say anything. HL)

Fem Sha: "Oh no! It's the Weyoun fan club!" BL

(Garak turns round to find he has one too. He tries to escape but they cling onto him. BL)

Garak: "Ziyal! I'm in a quite awkward position at the moment…" BL

Ziyal (twirling round in a short-sleeved red dress with long skirt and green sash): "Look at me, Garak! This was the dress I wore on the day when we got stuck in space."

Garak (trapped in a crowd of girls): "That's nice dear. Very Christmassy. Now, can you help me fight off these girls?" BL

Winn: "In case you have forgotten me, you still haven't answered my question. _WHAT AM I DOING ON THIS STATION?_" NL

Odo (to girls pouring onto the stage): "One at a time, please! We can't fit you all on."

Nog: "Hey! Wait! Me and the chief built this thing to only support 20 or so people. I wouldn't think it would hold more than a 100-" BL

(Bariel appears out of thin air.) CH

Bariel (to Kira): "Hey baby…"

Kira: "This is my kind of story!" NL

Bariel: "What are you wearing?" NL

(Vic Fontaine arrives onstage.)

Sisko: "How did you get out the holosuite?" NL

Vic: "With a little bit o' magic from someone called the author. I'm here to do my solo."

Eddington (jumping onstage with a box): "I am going to blow up this station and everyone on it!" NL

(He throws down the box and sets it to 10 seconds. He sticks his fingers in his ears.)

Everyone: "NO!" HL

(10 seconds is soon up, everyone having got down on the floor. A sign comes on the bomb. It says: 'Bang!' HL Joseph (Ben's dad) appears.)

Joseph: "Dinner anybody?" NL

(Everyone slowly gets up, wondering what's going on. BL Martok arrives.) 

Martok: "Help! The chancellor's gone nuts!"

(A pig follows him onstage. BL Martok tries to fight it off. The sound of Gowron's voice singing 'Old Macdonald' is heard. HL Opaka appears.)

Kira: "What a wonderful day!" BL

Opaka: "Oh dear. I think he opened the orb of change." HL

(Sloan sneaks on; thinking no-one can see him.)

Bashir: "Sloan?"

Sloan: "ARGH! My personal cloaking device is broken! Everyone can see me! I'll never live this down!" HL

(He runs off frantically. BL Admiral Ross walks onstage.)

Ross: "Ben! Everyone at Starfleet's gone mad. They're eating Ferengi dishes NL-no, not the food, the plates! NL They've been running around thinking they're Teletubbies!"

(At that moment Picard, Riker, Worf and Deanna run past in Teletubby outfits singing the Teletubbies theme. HL Ross shrugs.)

Ross: "And worse still, the Goodies have appeared!"

(Then Tim, Bill and Graeme appear doing the Funky Gibbon. HL CH)

Ross: "See what I mean!"

Sisko: "Oh dear." NL

(Suddenly a foot kicks through a pretend door at the back of stage. It's Shakaar.)

Shakaar: "Hey! That's my girlfriend you're holding, Vedek!"

Bariel: "No, she's mine!"

(They each snatch an arm of Kira's and play tug of war with her yelling, "SHE'S MINE!" BL)

Sisko: "Gentlemen, please!"

Nog: "Quick! Evacuate the stage! We've got too many people on it!"

(Odo struggles to keep fans from flooding through the gap made by Shakaar.)

Odo: "Help me! It's like trying to keep out water!"

(Officers join him but can't do much. Odo then abruptly turns into species 8472 (you know, those monsters that love attacking the Borg?) and the girls run away in fear. BL Odo shapeshifts back to normal, smiling smugly. NL)

Winn: "Excuse me but you've forgotten me again!"

Nog: "We can't take any more people!"

Weyoun (captured by girls): "I think we should leave now…" NL

Fem Sha: "He's right. I'll contact our ship…and see if Damar hasn't jumped out an airlock." NL

Kasidy: "Ben, the play shouldn't have lasted half this time!"

Winn: "I DEMAND AN ANSWER!"

(Keiko appears, Kirayoshi in a sling, Molly holding her hand.)

Keiko: "Miles, something's wrong with the environmental systems. It's snowing on the promenade!" NL

O'Brien: "Oh no! Lt Primmin took my joke literally!" NL

Keiko: "Miles! Molly's cold!"

Molly: "Daddy, its freezing." AW

Kirayoshi: "WAAAAAAH!"

Keiko: "Miles!"

(O'Brien punches his combadge.)

O'Brien: "O'Brien to DeCurtis, did you listen to Lt Primmin? He was just kidding! Oh, when will your dad be home?" NL

Nog: "This stage can't take any more weight!"

(Lwaxana steps on.)

Lwaxana: "Oh hello Odo! What have you been doing recently?"

Odo: "Help." NL

Keiko: "Miles!"

Nog: "The stage is gonna collapse!"

Winn: "WHAT AM I DOING-"

(The stage collapses. HL Everyone tumbles through it, shrieking. A few girls land on top of a frightened Martok. NL Weyoun is buried under fans. NL Molly sits on top of a pile of Niners. NL)

Sisko (at bottom of pile): "Um, er…" CH

Nog: "I told you!" SL

Molly: "Merry Christmas!" AW

Sisko: "Er, yes, Merry Christmas!"

Everyone: "Merry Christmas!"

(Kira finds herself next to Dukat, who gets out a bit of mistletoe. Kira screams for all she's worth as her enemy tries to kiss her. HL CL CH Fade onto credits.)

THE END

Have a very merry Christmas! (And be careful which panto you go to…)

Please review, and positively, please!


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